This book is eerie

(In regards to utopia and brotherhood) "Suffering is a misunderstanding. It exists," Shevek said. "It's real. I can call it a misunderstanding, but I can't pretend that it doesn't exist. Suffering is the condition on which we all live. And when it comes, you know it. You know it as the truth. Of course it's right to cure diseases, to prevent hunger and injustice, as the social organism does. But no society can change the nature of existence. We can't prevent suffering. This pain and that pain, yes, but not Pain. A society can only relieve social suffering, unnecessary suffering. The rest remains. The root, the reality. All of us here are going to know grief; if we live to fifty years, we'll have known pain for fifty years. And in the end we'll die. That's the condition we're born on. I'm afraid of life! There are times I - I am very frightened. Any happiness seems trivial. And yet I wonder if it isn't all a misunderstanding - this grasping after happiness, this fear of pain...If instead of fearing in and running from it, one could...get through it, go beyond it. It's the self that suffers, and there's a place where self - ceases. I don't know how to say it. But I believe that the reality - the truth I recognize in suffering as I don't in happiness - that the reality of pain is not pain. If you can get through it. If you can endure it all the way." ...

He goes on to conclude that the brotherhood (friendship, companionship, relationships in general I suppose) in their utopia is not built from a lack of suffering, but that brotherhood begins with shared pain.

Not the cleanest argument, but coincidental that this discussion showed up in a book someone randomly picked for me, and use the same language I've been turning over in my head recently. Or perhaps not coincidence at all, but support for Shevek here's argument that we all suffer, and my pain is not solely my own.

I was going to send this to you in an e-mail. I feel like I'm...um. Not over-stepping my boundaries, but leaning too far over the line, taking more resources than I am returning. It's also weird that I spend a considerable amount of mental energy thinking about the debates and questions I chose to discuss with you. Not that I have a back-log of thought processes that are stronger than others - I am what I am. But what reason do you have to continue exhausting so much of your limited resources on me, for me to then turn around and send hordes of poorly constructed thoughts and arguments for you to entertain? So perhaps you will find this and respond. And if not, I will perhaps find some solace in the fact that even without discussion, I am not alone in my suffering, and that you know that truth too.

It's a new experience for me to censor my thoughts thus. I guess the difference between a friendship and a partnership? I've lost so much of myself, it's weird to redraw the line of what is "me" and what was "us". I can't be "us" again, not without Simon, but am I now more than "me"? Even if I feel like so much less.... 

Next steps?

I have been thinking about myself. How do I want to be spending my time? What things are valuable to me, and what traits do I want to nurture, and which do I feel need improving? I do not feel adequately challenged or stimulated by my job. I felt that I was hired on (in fact, offered the position) because the team saw the potential in me to make serious headway and do real work. And yet, my days consist of nothing but tasking. And perhaps that is my challenge now - to not only deal with the mundane tasks that organizations expect of you, but to excel in them as well. But it's so hard to be motivated by such boring and menial work. Perhaps I should accept the break from challenging work, and focus my mental process more internally while I have the opportunity to. Although, I've always been able to do both in the past.

I used to value my intellect. My ability to learn quickly, make connections, process information and develop conclusions. In my business courses, I loved doing strategic planning - projects that required research, team work, analysis, processing. I miss thinking. I miss learning. I miss growing. I miss having the confidence to do what is asked of me.

I used to have such confidence in my brain and my skills. I know that I have the ability to learn much faster than many people, and the curiosity to seek out new information and to continue to learn. I also have the capacity to be creative, not necessarily in an artistic way, but in such a way that, when paired with my intellect, can lead to great ideas. And all of this is buffered by the fact that I try to think and behave very ethically. I think I can do great things. I used to know I could. But I've lost my motivation. It's hard to think about making positive changes to the world when it's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, or get off the couch after work. When I spend 8 hours a day doing nothing but menial tasks, and then come home to an empty house, there is nothing to empower me to achieve more.

Given my poor performance at the beginning of my college career, I've always been a bit worried about my intrinsic motivation. Can I do anything I put my mind to? Sure. Can I do it with out an external motivator? I'm not sure. Simon and I struggled with this together - he with flexing his creative muscles, and I with expanding my overall knowledge. We tried to help motivate each other to spend the time needed to complete the things we value, and sometimes it worked. But sometimes we just sat on the couch and watched movies and played on facebook. Not good things. It pains me to think that I wasn't successful in motivating Simon to be more creative and spend more time making and playing music. That in his final days (unbeknownst to us), he wasn't dedicating his time to his passions. Although, he was spending time with me, and I with him, and that's pretty much as good as it gets. But still - would he have felt more fulfilled if he had spent more time creating? Perhaps.

And so now, how do I proceed? How do I begin to shake everything out and rediscover the things that I value? How do I build the confidence in myself that I am capable of more?  Am I actually capable of achieving greatness alone? Do I have the capacity to grow and motivate myself, and to continue to seek knowledge and be passionate about making a difference in the world?

I've been starting this whole new journey of the new life I have by trying to take care of myself. Eating well, exercising, making active choices to do things that make me happy instead of sitting at home, which usually leads me into an anxiety pit. And I've been doing ok with that, not counting my stupid pain issues (which seem to be going away ever-so-slowly, but going away none the less). But is that enough for me? As it turns out, no. There is obviously a HUGE hole in my life with Simon gone, and that will never change. I have to build a bigger life around it. But eating well, doing yoga, and hanging with friends is not enough. It's not enough to make me feel like I'm striving for the potential that I once knew I had. So. How do I get that back?

I've begun by doing some value work. Last week, I sat down and wrote out things that are important to me. I didn't make any plans, or next actions, or prioritize any of the things on my list, but just wrote them down. It was good to see them all there, like a shadow of a skeleton. A glimpse back to the person I used to want to become. I owe it to myself, but more importantly I owe it to Simon, to find that ideal self again and work like hell to achieve it. Just getting by isn't enough. In writing this, I feel a little stronger. I feel like I've taken a step. I want to be the best person I can be to honor Simon and to be someone he would be proud of. I guess I've taken the first step in this direction just by thinking about it. But what's the next step? And, once I've made a plan, or at least a "next action", how do I keep myself on track, and be accountable to myself?

I want to do more. I want to be more. I don't know where to start.

(This following section was originally at the beginning of my post, but because I am indeed so embarrassed, I've chosen to stick it at the end in the hopes at 1. no one reads this blog anyways and 2. if anyone does read this post, they will be so nauseated by the post above that they will never make it this far. I've chosen to post it anyways though, because it's real and honest and as embarrassed as I am, I really seek comfort. So, there.)

Over the past few weeks, I've felt some changes happening in me. I've been dealing with this continuing pain, which while it appears to be slowly going away, has been affecting me in a serious way. I'm embarrassed and ashamed about it for no legitimate reason, fearful that I will never be right again, that I will always have embarrassing pain and that intimacy will never again be as enjoyable as I know it can be. I worry that I will always be distracted by pain and discomfort, and that my relationships and job performance will suffer for it. I fear living for years, decades, with chronic physical discomfort that I cannot speak freely about. There's nothing wrong with me. There shouldn't be. I should be healthy. And yet, still it hurts. The only time I feel anywhere close to normal is when I have hope that it will go away for good, but that doesn't happen often. I should not be so consumed with this fear and anxiety, which is worse than the discomfort itself. And now I have the additional fear that I am going to be poisoned by Tea Tree Oil, which apparently can seriously fuck you up. I'm also concerned that the birth control I started in order to have enjoyable sex is negatively affecting my sex drive, which is so, so stupid. But it may just be that my body is acclimating to the pain it's been experiencing, and protecting itself by not getting aroused as easily. I suppose I don't have to worry about that for too much longer, as my FWB will be gone in a few months. I hope that the issues I have will continue to improve, and that I can get all of the enjoyment I can out of my current situation. 

   

Whale Eyes

I've spent most of the day crying today. The comfort of the sunshine seemed to melt the shell that was keeping me together, and let some of the pain ooze out. It still hurts so much. It's still so not fair, it still fills me with rage and makes me want to drive my car off a cliff. Simon should be here - everyday he should be here, and it hurts every day that he's not. There is so much he's missing, and my life just doesn't work without him.

It's late right now. Who knows if what I'm writing makes any sense, now or ever. I suppose I don't much care. I was flipping through photos of Simon on Facebook - as I find myself doing. Wishing that I could post new ones of him and of us. But his time line has stopped.

There's one picture where the smile he's giving is the same loving smile reserved for me - the smile and the face that assured me that I would always have my best friend by my side to care for me. The smile that reminded me how lucky I was to have found someone so special and so perfect. The smile that made his warm eyes shine with light and life, happiness.

Sometimes when I looked in his eyes, it reminded me of what it must be like to look a whale in the eye. There was so much power and depth behind those eyes - so many stories and so much wisdom. Blue Whales dive down deep, deep to the bottom of the ocean, and resurface with cuts and gashes from creatures we don't even know exist. They travel to a world we've never experienced, and I imagine when you look in their eyes, it takes your breath away. Simon was like this - once, before we even started "dating", I found myself avoiding his gaze at dinner. It was just too powerful, there was too much knowledge and understanding that I couldn't even connect to him at that moment. But later, I could. I wish I could again. I wish I could tell him again how special he is (was), and learn more about the life he had before he met me. Learn about the experiences only he knows, and try to understand the wisdom he had that made him so remarkable.

I once told him that his eyes reminded me of a whale's, but I lacked the ability to explain why in the moment. He was a bit taken aback, as perhaps he should have been - it's not often that one gets compared to a whale. I wish I could tell him, again, that I know how special he was.

Simon was my everything. What do I have left? I miss him so much.

Peanut Butter Milkshake

I remembered yesterday the time that Simon went to the emergency room for a kidney stone. I was at work, and he called there to tell me he was going to the hospital. I was in the middle of making salads for a 20-top, but instead of stopping what I was doing, I made the salads and then left. I still wish I hadn't waited, but you can't change the past. I don't remember how Simon had gotten home from the hospital - maybe someone from work drove him. But went to get him a milkshake at Coldstone. They have a peanut butter one, so I ordered that because he loved peanut butter. The woman at the store asked if I wanted to lick the peanut butter off the spoon, to which I responded, "Oh no thank you, I don't like peanut butter." She was really confused because the only thing I had ordered was a peanut butter milkshake.

Missing

I miss tiny hairs from your razor in the sink.
I miss your toothbrush in the cup.
I miss two dirty towels at the end of the day.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss going on adventures with you.
I miss laughing at goofy TV shows with you. Sometimes I start to make a joke and then start crying because you'll never be able to hear it.
I miss you checking in on me.
I miss your smile that just kept getting bigger.
I miss your determination and inspiration to be better every day.
I miss curling up with you when I have nightmares.
I miss having a full fridge.
I miss buying you peanut butter treats.
I miss planning adventures with you.
I miss making crazy popcorn concoctions.
I miss hearing you talk to Nico and Kessa.
I miss holding your hand in the car.
I miss you.
I miss you so much.

Who am I?

Who am I now? Who do I want to be? How do I want to spend my time? What things are important to me now that my life has been decimated?

It feels like the bottom of my reality, of my knowledge of myself, of the world, of happiness, of truth has been ripped out from under me. I free fall into infinite blackness. Sometimes I hit a platform traveling a thousand miles an hour. Fractures race through my bones, cells rupture, impact waves turn to tsunamis that resonate through my soul, wreaking havoc on what order I've managed to create while falling. And then I start to slip from the platform into the infinite abyss. The hold is flat and slippery, and I claw with every ounce of strength to hang on, to keep from falling further. But to what end? I'm a million miles from normal, a lifetime from home. What life can I live on a dark platform in the center of nothingness? What happens if I let myself fall?

I have the instinct to claw, to fight, but I don't know for what yet. Someone unaware of Simon and his death, a new acquaintance, innocently asked me the other day what I wanted to do with my life. I had no answer. I used to have an answer, but now I don't. I know that what I wanted before was to live in Seattle with Simon and work planning events for an animal welfare organization. It was perfect. And now... I know that I DID want these things, but all I want now is Simon. I'm glad I'm in Seattle, so I guess there is that. And I like my job, and I know it's what I WANTED to do, but I don't have any passion or enthusiasm for anything now. How can I have dreams and goals if I don't have hope and passion? I don't know the answer to that.

I guess I just have to keep making an effort to fill my time with meaningful things. Make an effort to keep from slouching in front of the TV or computer and just mindlessly passing the time. That's what I have been doing, and I can tell you it is not satisfying. Even though I haven't a clue who I want to be, or even who I am, I know that a lazy sit-at-home, do-nothing grump does not reflect who I was nor who I want to be. So I have to keep pushing myself to do more, even though I don't want to. Keep fighting, even though I have no cause.

Snow Days

It's been snowing. Not really, but the questionable weather combined with crappy drivers and crazy roads has resulted in me working from home for the most part for the past 2 days, in addition to one day last week. I also spent all weekend at home.

I did go into the office today to pick some things up, and I was talking about getting cabin fever. I've never spent this much time alone. Without a friend, without a confidant, without Simon. Work - being around other people and having a task to complete - is important to keep me from pulling all my hair out and crumbling to pieces. It's been a hard few days. But while the few of us dropped into the office to pick up some things, others were talking of their cabin fever, and how they got sick of spending time with their spouses, and how they wanted to come back to work too to get some distance.

Please excuse me if I'm not sympathetic to your situation. I would fucking murder someone to spend a snowday trapped in the house with Simon. So don't come to me to bemoan time spent with your love. Lucky bastards.

Dear Fucking Everyone,

Hi everyone. I couple things I'd like all you motherfuckers to stop doing, thanks.

1. Stop telling me, "hope all is well!" or, "hope all is great!" Fuck you. If you think that anything in my life is going "well" or possibly "great" you are so deeply out of touch with reality, I don't want your crazy-town anywhere near me.

2. Do no tell me what things are or are not "worthwhile" regarding how I spend my time. Please withhold your judgment from my life.

3. If you say you are going to call me, motherfucking call me. I don't like to sit around and wait for you to call. Most likely, I don't really want to talk to you anyways. Perhaps I should just tell people to stop calling me altogether, since they never call and I don't want to talk to them in the first place.

4. This is just a general tip for everyone in every situation they are in - Do not talk incessantly. If there is nothing interesting to talk about, there is no need to discuss the precise times of day you change your layers of clothes, or the intricacies of walking down the street with an umbrella. No one cares.

On the flip side, if someone is talking, don't interrupt. It's fucking rude, and both of the things we have to say are likely equally unimportant, so wait your fucking turn.

Love,

Whitney

Changes

This time last year, Simon and I were living in Albuquerque. I was still at UNM, getting ready to graduate. I was working at Slate Street and as an intern and volunteer at Animal Humane. Simon was working retail at Grandma's Music and Sound. We were preparing to move to Seattle with our cat and our newly adopted dog. We had spent all the years prior planning to leave New Mexico to find a city that could match our potential. Simon had spent many years in New Mexico, and while he had some good times (and met me), knew that he belonged in a more functional city, as did I.

Since then, we moved across the country, away from the only state I had ever lived in. We both found jobs, and then Simon slipped and broke his pelvis and elbow, illuminating that his family's shared genetic disease of Osteogenesis Imperfecta was going to start playing a larger role in his life. To our relief, one of the best OI doctors in the country is here in Seattle, but is difficult to see. He had made an appointment in March, a week after his release from the hospital, but he was still too incapacitated to go, and couldn't get another appointment until January. My biggest "what if" is, "What if he had made it to his original appointment. Would he still be alive?" I suspect so.

While Simon was still on leave from work, I split ways with my employer, and was unemployed when my mom came to visit for Mother's Day. But I found a new job at PAWS in their marketing department - a perfect fit. I have since accepted a new position as their Event Coordinator, an even more perfect fit. I am so grateful for my job for so many, many reasons.

As Simon began to heal from his injuries, we got to start doing the things we loved in our new city again: Exploring the neighborhoods, eating out, hiking and camping. We drove up to Whister for a weekend, and had a great time being together and exploring the outdoors. It was challenging for us, because of Simon's chronic pain, which was hard for me to understand. But our relationship was so strong and our communication so open that when this became discordant, we always talked it out.

We are so in love. I'm hesitant to say we WERE so in love, because my love for him is as strong as ever, and I know he loved me so much that it almost transcends his death. That sounds silly, but that's OK for now.

Our last adventure was on the Queen of Seattle boat - tickets Simon bought from a Living Social deal. The first time we tried to take the boat, it was windy and rainy. They had canceled the trip for that day, but didn't tell any of the passengers. Simon and I sat huddled together in the rain in good spirits, waiting for the boat, even though we suspected it wasn't coming. Simon rescheduled our trip for the next weekend. Sunday, October 2, 2011. A day I will never, ever forget.

Simon woke up earlier than I did that morning, as usual. He took Nico outside, and then came back to bed. We snuggled for a while, and debated going out for breakfast. We had been eating a very strict diet which didn't really have room for eating breakfast out. But we decided it was worth it, and went to Wild Mountain Cafe - a cute little restaurant up the street. We both got coffee, even though Simon was not supposed to drink it. I had missed drinking coffee with him, and even though I sometimes reminded (scolded?) him for drinking it, I was still glad when we could share a cup together. He ordered the "Surefire Thing" - eggs scrambled with cheese and "green chiles", served with sour cream and salsa on the side. I got "Pipers Creek", eggs scrambled with lox and cream cheese. We both got fruit on the side instead of potatoes.

After breakfast, we got our grocery shopping done after planning our weekly menu over breakfast. We found that the best way to make the most of our weekly produce box was to plan out how we were going to use each ingredient, and make a menu of things we were going to make that week. One of the menu items was salmon with spicy green beans, and we were planning on going to the Asian grocery store Uwajimaya (sp) after the boat ride to get a special ingredient not found at our usual market.

We drove to the park at south Lake Union, where the Queen of Seattle docks. We were happy to see that it was actually there that week. We parked in the same lot we had parked in the week before and walked to the boat to stand in line. There were two people in costume to greet us, one man and one woman. We boarded the boat and walked up to the second level, and looked over Lake Union and the giant steam-operated paddle on the back of the boat. There, we ran in to a woman that I work with and exchanged pleasantries. Simon and I then walked to the other side of the boat because Simon wanted to see the Seattle skyline.

I complained that I had once again forgotten my sunglasses. Simon HATED being without his sunglasses, and was really good about keeping them with him, so he had his. He offered to give me his, but knowing that he hated to be without them, I told him, "But then YOU would be uncomfortable".

And he said, "I don't mind a little discomfort if it makes you happy."

I swooned. I wore his sunglasses for less than a minute, but felt bad, and gave them back. We continued our boat ride around Lake Union and up into Salmon Bay. We talked and hugged, held hands and took pictures. We were surprised that there was a calliope demonstration on the upper deck - it was hilarious. We both filmed it on our phones, but mine got the better recording.

As the boat was pulling up to shore, I leaned into Simon and told him I had a great time, and thank you for buying the tickets. I kissed him.

We got off the boat. 10 minutes later, the EMT's were there. That's a different part of the story.

Tuesday, November 22

I skipped a day.

What do you do when everything is not going to be OK? What do you do when you know with 100% certainty that you will be sad everyday for the rest of your life? I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't want to have ever asked these questions.

I found an online forum for non-religious grief. At first, it was comforting. But the more I read it, the more I see people actively grieving two, three, forty years after their loss. And I see that future for me. I know that I will not have my happy ending. Simon and I had it all. I can't see things ever getting better.

My mom came into town yesterday. She immediately starting scheming and planning, trying to fix things, trying to pack things. The first thing she asked me was if I got Simon's Facebook straightened out. Then why he didn't fix the heat in his car. Then if she should cancel an appointment she found Simon had for his OI doctor in January. Then how the storage is being paid. Then what to pack of Simon's things to send to storage. She wants to pack up the whole house and be moved out this week. I. Can. Not. Do. That. I wish she could understand. She thinks that her action plan is all so simple - she just wants to take care of everything! Which is noble, and if it were any other situation, that would be fine. But it's this situation, and it's not fine.

How is this even my life?

I'm going to skip the daily menial updates for now. I don't have the energy for that now.

Sunday, November 20

Hello. It's been a few days.

On Friday, I went on a Harbor Seal release in the morning. I was sent to film, and ended up walking into knee-deep water to film the seal. It was fun. And cold. Then I took a nap at home and went out to Ocho with Jill, had a few drinks, and talked. It was nice.

View from the ferry on the way to the release site.

The weekend. Oh, this weekend has been hard. My emotional state has changed from one in constant flux between sadness, anger, emptiness, sorrow, rage, distracted, tired to a constant state of extreme sadness. Unlike anything I've ever felt before. My chest aches, my head is heavy, my hands are weak. I miss Simon so much.

The cursor is flashing, asking me to type more, try helplessly to find words that mean something. Well tough shit, cursor. This is the best I've got. I tried listening to some of my favorite music until 3AM last night to see if anyone else had some better words. No dice. STOP FLASHING! I guess there still is some rage beneath the sadness.

It's not fair. What a pathetic, inadequate, and pedestrian thing to say. But it fucking isn't. We were perfect, we were supposed to be together forever. Simon ate well, exercised, didn't smoke, hardly drank, didn't do drugs. He was good, kind, considerate, compassionate, patient - god, so patient. Loving. Amazing. Mine. Now his family are all going to get tested to see if they have the same genetic condition that caused Simon's death. "What a relief you're all getting checked out!" Fucking bullshit. Simon didn't have the luxury... no, luxury isn't right. Simon DESERVED to know about this stupid disease and all the hell it would put him through, the risks he was living with. Now the rest of his family is allowed to protect themselves because he died. Fucking bullshit. Total fucking bullshit.

Perhaps that's unfair, too. Whatever.

Nico and I went to the locks on Saturday.
They had drained the large one for maintenance.

What did I accomplish this weekend? All my laundry. Grocery shopping, menu planning. Made a big pot of soup. Met with Britney (formerly of BRC) for coffee. That was nice, I was glad to reconnect with her. I played some piano, re-familiarized myself with the three songs I know. Downloaded some new sheet music. Sat around a lot. DIDN'T go hiking. I'm going to check the weather after I finish writing this, and if it looks decent tomorrow, Nico and I might go walk around Carkeek after work. My ass is starting to hurt from all the sitting on it I've been doing. Ate an ice cream sandwich, mint.

The wall of the empty lock.

To do tomorrow: My mom is coming back into town tomorrow, so I will be picking her up at the airport. Yay Mommy! I need to run the dishwasher and take down all the garbage and compost, it's kind of out of control. Back to work tomorrow, too. I guess I'm free to say that I got a "promotion" to Events Coordinator, along with a significant raise. Yay money! Because of that, I told Sharon that I want to move into her guest house. Yay guest house! Um, I guess that's all I have to do tomorrow. Sometime this week I would like to find a dentist - my teeth are going to fall out of my face if I don't get to one soon.

Thursday, November 17

Today was a day that will eventually make future days easier. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess what I mean to say is that good things happened today. These good things didn't elicit the response that good things used to, but hopefully future Whitney (whoever that is) will have it a little easier because of the results of today. I guess that still doesn't make any sense.

Things I did today: Went to work and had a headache all morning. Boo. Filmed some cats to get ready for our black Friday special next week. That was good, but I had a setting on the camera that made all the footage underexposed. It will require some serious fiddling to fix. Then, big news. After work I met with nurse Sami in Capitol Hill (after infuriating traffic). We had a nice time. She's nice. I hope to see her again. I tried my hardest not to be too depressing and talk about myself the whole time. Hmm.

Our piano. My piano. Our piano.

To do tomorrow: Seal release. It's going to be so damn cold. Nap. Drinks with Jill, Matt and Ben? I need to go get some waterproof shoes at Fred Meyer - they are having a sale. I don't want to miss it. I heard about it on the radio. Who am I?

I miss Simon. I have so much to tell him. I read somewhere that after loss, people will sometimes experience a loss in their faith, to which I said, "No problem, not applicable". But, I am feeling less certain about my world view - which doesn't have room for afterlife, spirits, some metaphysical idea of "souls". But I SO DESPERATELY WANT some part of Simon to be with me, I find myself questioning my beliefs and hoping that I've been wrong all this time, and that Simon's floaty spirit with magical angel wings will follow me around and guide me. I so want him to be with me. Could I have been wrong about everything? Who am I if not my convictions and values?

Wednesday, November 16

I added proper punctuation to the post title today. You're welcome.

Things I did today: Went to work. Stopped and got gas, coffee, and a bagel on the way in. Had both my meetings today, which both went well. Yeah. As a way to avoid foggily staring at a project I was working on, I randomly called the vet to see if I could make an appointment to take both Kessa and Nico in one go. They had an appointment at 6:30 tonight, so after work I just stopped at home, picked up the cat, and went to the vet. Everyone is fine and updated on their shots. I got Nico some flea medicine just in case, and some more rimadyl. Leftover chicken and potatoes for dinner, but that was the last of it. My phone just now (at 9:00PM) told me I had a new voice mail from the therapist, and I said "Fuck it, I'll call him now, whatever". We made an appointment in December. I'd like to do some reading tonight...still haven't gotten around to it. Laundry also.

Nico at the vet. He likes it there.

Things to do tomorrow: Set up lighting to prepare for seal release on Friday (!). Having happy hour with Sami the nurse after work, so maybe I'll leave Nico at home, or leave early... not sure yet. Go to bed REALLY EARLY because I have to be at work at 6:00 AM on Friday. My housing situation should be straightened out by Monday. Good. I'd like to do some stretching/yoga someday too.

I've been talking on the phone a lot, which if nothing else eats up my time. I'm tired all the damn time. Today was a long day out of the house. The hardest part of the day is usually when I'm on my way home, and I remember Simon will not be there. I always felt so bad that he had to spend so much time in traffic. He talked about it a lot, and it saddened me that traffic was a significant part of his life. What a waste of his time. Precious, precious time.

You always were the one to show me how.
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Tuesday November 15

I didn't realize that the date was the 15th all day today. I guess it doesn't much matter, I just didn't think about the date all day I guess.

Things I did today: I stayed up too late last night. I don't want to go to bed when I'm awake, I don't want to wake up when I'm asleep. I don't want to go to work when I'm home, and I don't want to go home when I'm at work. But I did all these things today. Went to bed (late). Woke up (late). The landlord and her crazy psycho-bitch mother were to come into the apartment today to fix the dryer that has been making clunking sounds. I wanted to make sure the house was reasonable, so I quickly did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, put my clothes away, made the bed. I was glad to cross all those things off my list. Then I went to work, where I promptly spilled tea all over my keyboard and ruined it. Great. Did some work and came up with a cute idea for some holiday graphics. It would be nice if it worked out this year, but it might be a thing for next year. They interviewed the other candidate for the open position. I still have no clue what's up with that. I'm mildly irritated. Came home and made dinner - couscous with tomato sauce. It was yummy, and I'm glad I didn't have to eat leftover chicken and potatoes again. Most of my produce had gone bad. That almost made me lose it. Simon and I very rarely let produce go bad. God damn it. I'm going to read tonight I think. And iChat with my mom. I wish Simon's family would post pictures from his memorial this weekend. But I guess that doesn't really matter either.

This post is long and boring. Here is a photo I took to serve as an intermission for this epically lame diatribe. I think it's a pretty OK photo.



Things to do tomorrow: Maybe I'll finally get around to getting in touch with the therapist. Ugh. Work - I have two meetings tomorrow, both which I'm looking forward to. I called the first one under the guise of Newsletter Planning to actually pitch an overhaul for universal communications planning. Muahaha. It will be great, I hope. Or I'll pitch this great idea and then nothing will ever happen. The second meeting is with Kevin and Mark, and we are working together to make our first "live action" Wild Again video. That's a weird sentence if you don't know what Wild Again is. But, it will be fun to work on a creative project. Then after work... who knows. Maybe I'll go look at that house Jill found. I hate making decisions, which is weird because I usually don't. Hate making decisions, that is. But whoever I used to be is gone... maybe forever. I guess from now on I'll exist as an apathetic shell that hates making decisions and happens to look like the girl formerly known as Whitney. I still need to get the animals to the vet. It's almost Nico's one year adoption day anniversary, November 24. Not even a year ago. I wish Simon could have celebrated it. Most of the things I wish for I wish for him. Me, whatever. But him...shit. He had so much to do still. He was supposed to run a business, go hiking with Nico, play gigs all around the world. Travel places and make friends that don't suck. Realize how special he is. I'm afraid he didn't know.

Monday November 14

I've been titling my posts with the date because I can. I feel no pressure to come up with better titles, and so I will not try to do so until they decide to come to me.

Things I did today: Interviewed for the new position at work. It went ok, I think. It's weird interviewing with people you already know. Then I did some work, put together a mailing and a blog post. Nearly had a panic attack. Stayed late at work, and talked to a friend about possibly room-mating together. Ate left overs. They were underwhelming. Talked on the phone with my mom. I wanted to do some reading tonight, but it's already pretty late.

Things to do tomorrow: Go to work. Continue to try to maintain. I wish I could talk to Simon. I want to hold his hand and tell him about my day. I want to be excited and nervous for this possible new position, excited and nervous about moving into a new house. We were supposed to do that together. All I feel is sick and empty.

Sunday November 13

Things I did today: Stayed in my PJs all day long. Watched 2 documentaries, including one about Dr. Bronner's soaps, which was really, really weird. Brushed Nico. Bought seatbelt for Nico on Amazon, which cost a grand total of $0.00 because of a gift certificate I forgot I had.

Things to do tomorrow: Go to work. I have an interview tomorrow for a new position. I am going to wear my new yellow shirt and a suit. Call potential therapist Duncan to set up appointment. His office is on a boat. Empty dishwasher and cat box. E-mail Sharon about the little house. Living alone sucks. It's not supposed to be this way.

This time last year: We were living in Albuquerque - I was still in school, working at Slate Street, and interning and volunteering at Animal Humane. We hadn't found anywhere to live or work in Seattle, but we were still so excited to get out here. Simon and I were fostering Nico, who was then named Hyde. Simon was working at Grandma's. Simon was.

What a year.

Saturday November 12

Things I did today: Put laundry away, made chicken salad sandwiches, ran dishwasher and tidied kitchen, went on a very soggy hike, drank tea and Jameson Gingers, put together things for a portfolio, listened to music and played (and won) scrabble. To do tomorrow: Sleep. Take the compost out. Get a doggy seat-belt for Nico.

Hello Blog

I abandoned you. So much has changed. I might come back to writing on you, but I might not. I just wanted to say hello. I'm glad you're still here.

I remember...

Waking up in a palapa in Tulum, Mexico with Simon.

Nana pulling pound cake out of it's little aluminum tin in the morning in her tiny apartment kitchen.

Eating hotdogs with Magdalena while she told me the story of the billy goats Gruff over...and over... and over...

When Jenny Star broke my mini trampoline. (RIP JENNY!)

That Salo always orders pasta bolognaise at the Macaroni Grill.

The student aide for 7th grade algebra - Vanessa with the huge eyebrows.

When my mom had braids.

When I got all those college rejection letters.

Magic Circle Bagels.

When Alberson's was Furrs.

The first night I had my beagle Friskey, and how loud he howled.

My birthday party going into 8th grade, where we covered Elenie in whipped cream.

The gorgeous British guy at Columbia Gorge School of Theatre, and how he said cutlery instead of silverware.

:)

Thinking is hard.

I've been thinking, which is usually not a good thing. It's much easier to go through life with all it's wonderful points without thinking about the hard things, and it's easier to manage the hard things without thinking about how it could be better. Currently, I think my situation is pretty good, if not a bit static. I've mended some broken relationships, and made several new ones, which for me is a pretty big thing. I've learned a thing or two about accountability in the past year, which has really helped me actualize myself to this point in time. I've also learned something about fear, of the unknown mostly. Not the greater, god or no god, why are we here kind of unknown - I've come to terms with all that for the time being. But, it's fear of MY unknown. The future is now - and every thing I do at every moment impacts my future, even if it's only negligible. So how then do I know which actions will effect my future the way I want it to? Before I answer that question, I have to answer the question: What do I want? What do I want from life? From a career? From my family and friends? From myself? How does one go about answering these questions - you can't very well just make a list in an attempt to quantify the aspects of meaningful life and then sort them from most important to least. So, that's what I'm thinking about. Currently, I don't have any answers. But I do know that the sun was shining today, and that made me smile. And that's good enough for now. :)