Monday, January 23, 2012

Who am I?

Who am I now? Who do I want to be? How do I want to spend my time? What things are important to me now that my life has been decimated?

It feels like the bottom of my reality, of my knowledge of myself, of the world, of happiness, of truth has been ripped out from under me. I free fall into infinite blackness. Sometimes I hit a platform traveling a thousand miles an hour. Fractures race through my bones, cells rupture, impact waves turn to tsunamis that resonate through my soul, wreaking havoc on what order I've managed to create while falling. And then I start to slip from the platform into the infinite abyss. The hold is flat and slippery, and I claw with every ounce of strength to hang on, to keep from falling further. But to what end? I'm a million miles from normal, a lifetime from home. What life can I live on a dark platform in the center of nothingness? What happens if I let myself fall?

I have the instinct to claw, to fight, but I don't know for what yet. Someone unaware of Simon and his death, a new acquaintance, innocently asked me the other day what I wanted to do with my life. I had no answer. I used to have an answer, but now I don't. I know that what I wanted before was to live in Seattle with Simon and work planning events for an animal welfare organization. It was perfect. And now... I know that I DID want these things, but all I want now is Simon. I'm glad I'm in Seattle, so I guess there is that. And I like my job, and I know it's what I WANTED to do, but I don't have any passion or enthusiasm for anything now. How can I have dreams and goals if I don't have hope and passion? I don't know the answer to that.

I guess I just have to keep making an effort to fill my time with meaningful things. Make an effort to keep from slouching in front of the TV or computer and just mindlessly passing the time. That's what I have been doing, and I can tell you it is not satisfying. Even though I haven't a clue who I want to be, or even who I am, I know that a lazy sit-at-home, do-nothing grump does not reflect who I was nor who I want to be. So I have to keep pushing myself to do more, even though I don't want to. Keep fighting, even though I have no cause.

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