Changes

This time last year, Simon and I were living in Albuquerque. I was still at UNM, getting ready to graduate. I was working at Slate Street and as an intern and volunteer at Animal Humane. Simon was working retail at Grandma's Music and Sound. We were preparing to move to Seattle with our cat and our newly adopted dog. We had spent all the years prior planning to leave New Mexico to find a city that could match our potential. Simon had spent many years in New Mexico, and while he had some good times (and met me), knew that he belonged in a more functional city, as did I.

Since then, we moved across the country, away from the only state I had ever lived in. We both found jobs, and then Simon slipped and broke his pelvis and elbow, illuminating that his family's shared genetic disease of Osteogenesis Imperfecta was going to start playing a larger role in his life. To our relief, one of the best OI doctors in the country is here in Seattle, but is difficult to see. He had made an appointment in March, a week after his release from the hospital, but he was still too incapacitated to go, and couldn't get another appointment until January. My biggest "what if" is, "What if he had made it to his original appointment. Would he still be alive?" I suspect so.

While Simon was still on leave from work, I split ways with my employer, and was unemployed when my mom came to visit for Mother's Day. But I found a new job at PAWS in their marketing department - a perfect fit. I have since accepted a new position as their Event Coordinator, an even more perfect fit. I am so grateful for my job for so many, many reasons.

As Simon began to heal from his injuries, we got to start doing the things we loved in our new city again: Exploring the neighborhoods, eating out, hiking and camping. We drove up to Whister for a weekend, and had a great time being together and exploring the outdoors. It was challenging for us, because of Simon's chronic pain, which was hard for me to understand. But our relationship was so strong and our communication so open that when this became discordant, we always talked it out.

We are so in love. I'm hesitant to say we WERE so in love, because my love for him is as strong as ever, and I know he loved me so much that it almost transcends his death. That sounds silly, but that's OK for now.

Our last adventure was on the Queen of Seattle boat - tickets Simon bought from a Living Social deal. The first time we tried to take the boat, it was windy and rainy. They had canceled the trip for that day, but didn't tell any of the passengers. Simon and I sat huddled together in the rain in good spirits, waiting for the boat, even though we suspected it wasn't coming. Simon rescheduled our trip for the next weekend. Sunday, October 2, 2011. A day I will never, ever forget.

Simon woke up earlier than I did that morning, as usual. He took Nico outside, and then came back to bed. We snuggled for a while, and debated going out for breakfast. We had been eating a very strict diet which didn't really have room for eating breakfast out. But we decided it was worth it, and went to Wild Mountain Cafe - a cute little restaurant up the street. We both got coffee, even though Simon was not supposed to drink it. I had missed drinking coffee with him, and even though I sometimes reminded (scolded?) him for drinking it, I was still glad when we could share a cup together. He ordered the "Surefire Thing" - eggs scrambled with cheese and "green chiles", served with sour cream and salsa on the side. I got "Pipers Creek", eggs scrambled with lox and cream cheese. We both got fruit on the side instead of potatoes.

After breakfast, we got our grocery shopping done after planning our weekly menu over breakfast. We found that the best way to make the most of our weekly produce box was to plan out how we were going to use each ingredient, and make a menu of things we were going to make that week. One of the menu items was salmon with spicy green beans, and we were planning on going to the Asian grocery store Uwajimaya (sp) after the boat ride to get a special ingredient not found at our usual market.

We drove to the park at south Lake Union, where the Queen of Seattle docks. We were happy to see that it was actually there that week. We parked in the same lot we had parked in the week before and walked to the boat to stand in line. There were two people in costume to greet us, one man and one woman. We boarded the boat and walked up to the second level, and looked over Lake Union and the giant steam-operated paddle on the back of the boat. There, we ran in to a woman that I work with and exchanged pleasantries. Simon and I then walked to the other side of the boat because Simon wanted to see the Seattle skyline.

I complained that I had once again forgotten my sunglasses. Simon HATED being without his sunglasses, and was really good about keeping them with him, so he had his. He offered to give me his, but knowing that he hated to be without them, I told him, "But then YOU would be uncomfortable".

And he said, "I don't mind a little discomfort if it makes you happy."

I swooned. I wore his sunglasses for less than a minute, but felt bad, and gave them back. We continued our boat ride around Lake Union and up into Salmon Bay. We talked and hugged, held hands and took pictures. We were surprised that there was a calliope demonstration on the upper deck - it was hilarious. We both filmed it on our phones, but mine got the better recording.

As the boat was pulling up to shore, I leaned into Simon and told him I had a great time, and thank you for buying the tickets. I kissed him.

We got off the boat. 10 minutes later, the EMT's were there. That's a different part of the story.

Tuesday, November 22

I skipped a day.

What do you do when everything is not going to be OK? What do you do when you know with 100% certainty that you will be sad everyday for the rest of your life? I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't want to have ever asked these questions.

I found an online forum for non-religious grief. At first, it was comforting. But the more I read it, the more I see people actively grieving two, three, forty years after their loss. And I see that future for me. I know that I will not have my happy ending. Simon and I had it all. I can't see things ever getting better.

My mom came into town yesterday. She immediately starting scheming and planning, trying to fix things, trying to pack things. The first thing she asked me was if I got Simon's Facebook straightened out. Then why he didn't fix the heat in his car. Then if she should cancel an appointment she found Simon had for his OI doctor in January. Then how the storage is being paid. Then what to pack of Simon's things to send to storage. She wants to pack up the whole house and be moved out this week. I. Can. Not. Do. That. I wish she could understand. She thinks that her action plan is all so simple - she just wants to take care of everything! Which is noble, and if it were any other situation, that would be fine. But it's this situation, and it's not fine.

How is this even my life?

I'm going to skip the daily menial updates for now. I don't have the energy for that now.

Sunday, November 20

Hello. It's been a few days.

On Friday, I went on a Harbor Seal release in the morning. I was sent to film, and ended up walking into knee-deep water to film the seal. It was fun. And cold. Then I took a nap at home and went out to Ocho with Jill, had a few drinks, and talked. It was nice.

View from the ferry on the way to the release site.

The weekend. Oh, this weekend has been hard. My emotional state has changed from one in constant flux between sadness, anger, emptiness, sorrow, rage, distracted, tired to a constant state of extreme sadness. Unlike anything I've ever felt before. My chest aches, my head is heavy, my hands are weak. I miss Simon so much.

The cursor is flashing, asking me to type more, try helplessly to find words that mean something. Well tough shit, cursor. This is the best I've got. I tried listening to some of my favorite music until 3AM last night to see if anyone else had some better words. No dice. STOP FLASHING! I guess there still is some rage beneath the sadness.

It's not fair. What a pathetic, inadequate, and pedestrian thing to say. But it fucking isn't. We were perfect, we were supposed to be together forever. Simon ate well, exercised, didn't smoke, hardly drank, didn't do drugs. He was good, kind, considerate, compassionate, patient - god, so patient. Loving. Amazing. Mine. Now his family are all going to get tested to see if they have the same genetic condition that caused Simon's death. "What a relief you're all getting checked out!" Fucking bullshit. Simon didn't have the luxury... no, luxury isn't right. Simon DESERVED to know about this stupid disease and all the hell it would put him through, the risks he was living with. Now the rest of his family is allowed to protect themselves because he died. Fucking bullshit. Total fucking bullshit.

Perhaps that's unfair, too. Whatever.

Nico and I went to the locks on Saturday.
They had drained the large one for maintenance.

What did I accomplish this weekend? All my laundry. Grocery shopping, menu planning. Made a big pot of soup. Met with Britney (formerly of BRC) for coffee. That was nice, I was glad to reconnect with her. I played some piano, re-familiarized myself with the three songs I know. Downloaded some new sheet music. Sat around a lot. DIDN'T go hiking. I'm going to check the weather after I finish writing this, and if it looks decent tomorrow, Nico and I might go walk around Carkeek after work. My ass is starting to hurt from all the sitting on it I've been doing. Ate an ice cream sandwich, mint.

The wall of the empty lock.

To do tomorrow: My mom is coming back into town tomorrow, so I will be picking her up at the airport. Yay Mommy! I need to run the dishwasher and take down all the garbage and compost, it's kind of out of control. Back to work tomorrow, too. I guess I'm free to say that I got a "promotion" to Events Coordinator, along with a significant raise. Yay money! Because of that, I told Sharon that I want to move into her guest house. Yay guest house! Um, I guess that's all I have to do tomorrow. Sometime this week I would like to find a dentist - my teeth are going to fall out of my face if I don't get to one soon.

Thursday, November 17

Today was a day that will eventually make future days easier. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess what I mean to say is that good things happened today. These good things didn't elicit the response that good things used to, but hopefully future Whitney (whoever that is) will have it a little easier because of the results of today. I guess that still doesn't make any sense.

Things I did today: Went to work and had a headache all morning. Boo. Filmed some cats to get ready for our black Friday special next week. That was good, but I had a setting on the camera that made all the footage underexposed. It will require some serious fiddling to fix. Then, big news. After work I met with nurse Sami in Capitol Hill (after infuriating traffic). We had a nice time. She's nice. I hope to see her again. I tried my hardest not to be too depressing and talk about myself the whole time. Hmm.

Our piano. My piano. Our piano.

To do tomorrow: Seal release. It's going to be so damn cold. Nap. Drinks with Jill, Matt and Ben? I need to go get some waterproof shoes at Fred Meyer - they are having a sale. I don't want to miss it. I heard about it on the radio. Who am I?

I miss Simon. I have so much to tell him. I read somewhere that after loss, people will sometimes experience a loss in their faith, to which I said, "No problem, not applicable". But, I am feeling less certain about my world view - which doesn't have room for afterlife, spirits, some metaphysical idea of "souls". But I SO DESPERATELY WANT some part of Simon to be with me, I find myself questioning my beliefs and hoping that I've been wrong all this time, and that Simon's floaty spirit with magical angel wings will follow me around and guide me. I so want him to be with me. Could I have been wrong about everything? Who am I if not my convictions and values?

Wednesday, November 16

I added proper punctuation to the post title today. You're welcome.

Things I did today: Went to work. Stopped and got gas, coffee, and a bagel on the way in. Had both my meetings today, which both went well. Yeah. As a way to avoid foggily staring at a project I was working on, I randomly called the vet to see if I could make an appointment to take both Kessa and Nico in one go. They had an appointment at 6:30 tonight, so after work I just stopped at home, picked up the cat, and went to the vet. Everyone is fine and updated on their shots. I got Nico some flea medicine just in case, and some more rimadyl. Leftover chicken and potatoes for dinner, but that was the last of it. My phone just now (at 9:00PM) told me I had a new voice mail from the therapist, and I said "Fuck it, I'll call him now, whatever". We made an appointment in December. I'd like to do some reading tonight...still haven't gotten around to it. Laundry also.

Nico at the vet. He likes it there.

Things to do tomorrow: Set up lighting to prepare for seal release on Friday (!). Having happy hour with Sami the nurse after work, so maybe I'll leave Nico at home, or leave early... not sure yet. Go to bed REALLY EARLY because I have to be at work at 6:00 AM on Friday. My housing situation should be straightened out by Monday. Good. I'd like to do some stretching/yoga someday too.

I've been talking on the phone a lot, which if nothing else eats up my time. I'm tired all the damn time. Today was a long day out of the house. The hardest part of the day is usually when I'm on my way home, and I remember Simon will not be there. I always felt so bad that he had to spend so much time in traffic. He talked about it a lot, and it saddened me that traffic was a significant part of his life. What a waste of his time. Precious, precious time.

You always were the one to show me how.
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Tuesday November 15

I didn't realize that the date was the 15th all day today. I guess it doesn't much matter, I just didn't think about the date all day I guess.

Things I did today: I stayed up too late last night. I don't want to go to bed when I'm awake, I don't want to wake up when I'm asleep. I don't want to go to work when I'm home, and I don't want to go home when I'm at work. But I did all these things today. Went to bed (late). Woke up (late). The landlord and her crazy psycho-bitch mother were to come into the apartment today to fix the dryer that has been making clunking sounds. I wanted to make sure the house was reasonable, so I quickly did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, put my clothes away, made the bed. I was glad to cross all those things off my list. Then I went to work, where I promptly spilled tea all over my keyboard and ruined it. Great. Did some work and came up with a cute idea for some holiday graphics. It would be nice if it worked out this year, but it might be a thing for next year. They interviewed the other candidate for the open position. I still have no clue what's up with that. I'm mildly irritated. Came home and made dinner - couscous with tomato sauce. It was yummy, and I'm glad I didn't have to eat leftover chicken and potatoes again. Most of my produce had gone bad. That almost made me lose it. Simon and I very rarely let produce go bad. God damn it. I'm going to read tonight I think. And iChat with my mom. I wish Simon's family would post pictures from his memorial this weekend. But I guess that doesn't really matter either.

This post is long and boring. Here is a photo I took to serve as an intermission for this epically lame diatribe. I think it's a pretty OK photo.



Things to do tomorrow: Maybe I'll finally get around to getting in touch with the therapist. Ugh. Work - I have two meetings tomorrow, both which I'm looking forward to. I called the first one under the guise of Newsletter Planning to actually pitch an overhaul for universal communications planning. Muahaha. It will be great, I hope. Or I'll pitch this great idea and then nothing will ever happen. The second meeting is with Kevin and Mark, and we are working together to make our first "live action" Wild Again video. That's a weird sentence if you don't know what Wild Again is. But, it will be fun to work on a creative project. Then after work... who knows. Maybe I'll go look at that house Jill found. I hate making decisions, which is weird because I usually don't. Hate making decisions, that is. But whoever I used to be is gone... maybe forever. I guess from now on I'll exist as an apathetic shell that hates making decisions and happens to look like the girl formerly known as Whitney. I still need to get the animals to the vet. It's almost Nico's one year adoption day anniversary, November 24. Not even a year ago. I wish Simon could have celebrated it. Most of the things I wish for I wish for him. Me, whatever. But him...shit. He had so much to do still. He was supposed to run a business, go hiking with Nico, play gigs all around the world. Travel places and make friends that don't suck. Realize how special he is. I'm afraid he didn't know.

Monday November 14

I've been titling my posts with the date because I can. I feel no pressure to come up with better titles, and so I will not try to do so until they decide to come to me.

Things I did today: Interviewed for the new position at work. It went ok, I think. It's weird interviewing with people you already know. Then I did some work, put together a mailing and a blog post. Nearly had a panic attack. Stayed late at work, and talked to a friend about possibly room-mating together. Ate left overs. They were underwhelming. Talked on the phone with my mom. I wanted to do some reading tonight, but it's already pretty late.

Things to do tomorrow: Go to work. Continue to try to maintain. I wish I could talk to Simon. I want to hold his hand and tell him about my day. I want to be excited and nervous for this possible new position, excited and nervous about moving into a new house. We were supposed to do that together. All I feel is sick and empty.

Sunday November 13

Things I did today: Stayed in my PJs all day long. Watched 2 documentaries, including one about Dr. Bronner's soaps, which was really, really weird. Brushed Nico. Bought seatbelt for Nico on Amazon, which cost a grand total of $0.00 because of a gift certificate I forgot I had.

Things to do tomorrow: Go to work. I have an interview tomorrow for a new position. I am going to wear my new yellow shirt and a suit. Call potential therapist Duncan to set up appointment. His office is on a boat. Empty dishwasher and cat box. E-mail Sharon about the little house. Living alone sucks. It's not supposed to be this way.

This time last year: We were living in Albuquerque - I was still in school, working at Slate Street, and interning and volunteering at Animal Humane. We hadn't found anywhere to live or work in Seattle, but we were still so excited to get out here. Simon and I were fostering Nico, who was then named Hyde. Simon was working at Grandma's. Simon was.

What a year.

Saturday November 12

Things I did today: Put laundry away, made chicken salad sandwiches, ran dishwasher and tidied kitchen, went on a very soggy hike, drank tea and Jameson Gingers, put together things for a portfolio, listened to music and played (and won) scrabble. To do tomorrow: Sleep. Take the compost out. Get a doggy seat-belt for Nico.

Hello Blog

I abandoned you. So much has changed. I might come back to writing on you, but I might not. I just wanted to say hello. I'm glad you're still here.