Who am I now? Who do I want to be? How do I want to spend my time? What things are important to me now that my life has been decimated?
It feels like the bottom of my reality, of my knowledge of myself, of the world, of happiness, of truth has been ripped out from under me. I free fall into infinite blackness. Sometimes I hit a platform traveling a thousand miles an hour. Fractures race through my bones, cells rupture, impact waves turn to tsunamis that resonate through my soul, wreaking havoc on what order I've managed to create while falling. And then I start to slip from the platform into the infinite abyss. The hold is flat and slippery, and I claw with every ounce of strength to hang on, to keep from falling further. But to what end? I'm a million miles from normal, a lifetime from home. What life can I live on a dark platform in the center of nothingness? What happens if I let myself fall?
I have the instinct to claw, to fight, but I don't know for what yet. Someone unaware of Simon and his death, a new acquaintance, innocently asked me the other day what I wanted to do with my life. I had no answer. I used to have an answer, but now I don't. I know that what I wanted before was to live in Seattle with Simon and work planning events for an animal welfare organization. It was perfect. And now... I know that I DID want these things, but all I want now is Simon. I'm glad I'm in Seattle, so I guess there is that. And I like my job, and I know it's what I WANTED to do, but I don't have any passion or enthusiasm for anything now. How can I have dreams and goals if I don't have hope and passion? I don't know the answer to that.
I guess I just have to keep making an effort to fill my time with meaningful things. Make an effort to keep from slouching in front of the TV or computer and just mindlessly passing the time. That's what I have been doing, and I can tell you it is not satisfying. Even though I haven't a clue who I want to be, or even who I am, I know that a lazy sit-at-home, do-nothing grump does not reflect who I was nor who I want to be. So I have to keep pushing myself to do more, even though I don't want to. Keep fighting, even though I have no cause.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Snow Days
It's been snowing. Not really, but the questionable weather combined with crappy drivers and crazy roads has resulted in me working from home for the most part for the past 2 days, in addition to one day last week. I also spent all weekend at home.
I did go into the office today to pick some things up, and I was talking about getting cabin fever. I've never spent this much time alone. Without a friend, without a confidant, without Simon. Work - being around other people and having a task to complete - is important to keep me from pulling all my hair out and crumbling to pieces. It's been a hard few days. But while the few of us dropped into the office to pick up some things, others were talking of their cabin fever, and how they got sick of spending time with their spouses, and how they wanted to come back to work too to get some distance.
Please excuse me if I'm not sympathetic to your situation. I would fucking murder someone to spend a snowday trapped in the house with Simon. So don't come to me to bemoan time spent with your love. Lucky bastards.
I did go into the office today to pick some things up, and I was talking about getting cabin fever. I've never spent this much time alone. Without a friend, without a confidant, without Simon. Work - being around other people and having a task to complete - is important to keep me from pulling all my hair out and crumbling to pieces. It's been a hard few days. But while the few of us dropped into the office to pick up some things, others were talking of their cabin fever, and how they got sick of spending time with their spouses, and how they wanted to come back to work too to get some distance.
Please excuse me if I'm not sympathetic to your situation. I would fucking murder someone to spend a snowday trapped in the house with Simon. So don't come to me to bemoan time spent with your love. Lucky bastards.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Dear Fucking Everyone,
Hi everyone. I couple things I'd like all you motherfuckers to stop doing, thanks.
1. Stop telling me, "hope all is well!" or, "hope all is great!" Fuck you. If you think that anything in my life is going "well" or possibly "great" you are so deeply out of touch with reality, I don't want your crazy-town anywhere near me.
2. Do no tell me what things are or are not "worthwhile" regarding how I spend my time. Please withhold your judgment from my life.
3. If you say you are going to call me, motherfucking call me. I don't like to sit around and wait for you to call. Most likely, I don't really want to talk to you anyways. Perhaps I should just tell people to stop calling me altogether, since they never call and I don't want to talk to them in the first place.
4. This is just a general tip for everyone in every situation they are in - Do not talk incessantly. If there is nothing interesting to talk about, there is no need to discuss the precise times of day you change your layers of clothes, or the intricacies of walking down the street with an umbrella. No one cares.
On the flip side, if someone is talking, don't interrupt. It's fucking rude, and both of the things we have to say are likely equally unimportant, so wait your fucking turn.
Love,
Whitney
1. Stop telling me, "hope all is well!" or, "hope all is great!" Fuck you. If you think that anything in my life is going "well" or possibly "great" you are so deeply out of touch with reality, I don't want your crazy-town anywhere near me.
2. Do no tell me what things are or are not "worthwhile" regarding how I spend my time. Please withhold your judgment from my life.
3. If you say you are going to call me, motherfucking call me. I don't like to sit around and wait for you to call. Most likely, I don't really want to talk to you anyways. Perhaps I should just tell people to stop calling me altogether, since they never call and I don't want to talk to them in the first place.
4. This is just a general tip for everyone in every situation they are in - Do not talk incessantly. If there is nothing interesting to talk about, there is no need to discuss the precise times of day you change your layers of clothes, or the intricacies of walking down the street with an umbrella. No one cares.
On the flip side, if someone is talking, don't interrupt. It's fucking rude, and both of the things we have to say are likely equally unimportant, so wait your fucking turn.
Love,
Whitney
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Changes
This time last year, Simon and I were living in Albuquerque. I was still at UNM, getting ready to graduate. I was working at Slate Street and as an intern and volunteer at Animal Humane. Simon was working retail at Grandma's Music and Sound. We were preparing to move to Seattle with our cat and our newly adopted dog. We had spent all the years prior planning to leave New Mexico to find a city that could match our potential. Simon had spent many years in New Mexico, and while he had some good times (and met me), knew that he belonged in a more functional city, as did I.
Since then, we moved across the country, away from the only state I had ever lived in. We both found jobs, and then Simon slipped and broke his pelvis and elbow, illuminating that his family's shared genetic disease of Osteogenesis Imperfecta was going to start playing a larger role in his life. To our relief, one of the best OI doctors in the country is here in Seattle, but is difficult to see. He had made an appointment in March, a week after his release from the hospital, but he was still too incapacitated to go, and couldn't get another appointment until January. My biggest "what if" is, "What if he had made it to his original appointment. Would he still be alive?" I suspect so.
While Simon was still on leave from work, I split ways with my employer, and was unemployed when my mom came to visit for Mother's Day. But I found a new job at PAWS in their marketing department - a perfect fit. I have since accepted a new position as their Event Coordinator, an even more perfect fit. I am so grateful for my job for so many, many reasons.
As Simon began to heal from his injuries, we got to start doing the things we loved in our new city again: Exploring the neighborhoods, eating out, hiking and camping. We drove up to Whister for a weekend, and had a great time being together and exploring the outdoors. It was challenging for us, because of Simon's chronic pain, which was hard for me to understand. But our relationship was so strong and our communication so open that when this became discordant, we always talked it out.
We are so in love. I'm hesitant to say we WERE so in love, because my love for him is as strong as ever, and I know he loved me so much that it almost transcends his death. That sounds silly, but that's OK for now.
Our last adventure was on the Queen of Seattle boat - tickets Simon bought from a Living Social deal. The first time we tried to take the boat, it was windy and rainy. They had canceled the trip for that day, but didn't tell any of the passengers. Simon and I sat huddled together in the rain in good spirits, waiting for the boat, even though we suspected it wasn't coming. Simon rescheduled our trip for the next weekend. Sunday, October 2, 2011. A day I will never, ever forget.
Simon woke up earlier than I did that morning, as usual. He took Nico outside, and then came back to bed. We snuggled for a while, and debated going out for breakfast. We had been eating a very strict diet which didn't really have room for eating breakfast out. But we decided it was worth it, and went to Wild Mountain Cafe - a cute little restaurant up the street. We both got coffee, even though Simon was not supposed to drink it. I had missed drinking coffee with him, and even though I sometimes reminded (scolded?) him for drinking it, I was still glad when we could share a cup together. He ordered the "Surefire Thing" - eggs scrambled with cheese and "green chiles", served with sour cream and salsa on the side. I got "Pipers Creek", eggs scrambled with lox and cream cheese. We both got fruit on the side instead of potatoes.
After breakfast, we got our grocery shopping done after planning our weekly menu over breakfast. We found that the best way to make the most of our weekly produce box was to plan out how we were going to use each ingredient, and make a menu of things we were going to make that week. One of the menu items was salmon with spicy green beans, and we were planning on going to the Asian grocery store Uwajimaya (sp) after the boat ride to get a special ingredient not found at our usual market.
We drove to the park at south Lake Union, where the Queen of Seattle docks. We were happy to see that it was actually there that week. We parked in the same lot we had parked in the week before and walked to the boat to stand in line. There were two people in costume to greet us, one man and one woman. We boarded the boat and walked up to the second level, and looked over Lake Union and the giant steam-operated paddle on the back of the boat. There, we ran in to a woman that I work with and exchanged pleasantries. Simon and I then walked to the other side of the boat because Simon wanted to see the Seattle skyline.
I complained that I had once again forgotten my sunglasses. Simon HATED being without his sunglasses, and was really good about keeping them with him, so he had his. He offered to give me his, but knowing that he hated to be without them, I told him, "But then YOU would be uncomfortable".
And he said, "I don't mind a little discomfort if it makes you happy."
I swooned. I wore his sunglasses for less than a minute, but felt bad, and gave them back. We continued our boat ride around Lake Union and up into Salmon Bay. We talked and hugged, held hands and took pictures. We were surprised that there was a calliope demonstration on the upper deck - it was hilarious. We both filmed it on our phones, but mine got the better recording.
As the boat was pulling up to shore, I leaned into Simon and told him I had a great time, and thank you for buying the tickets. I kissed him.
We got off the boat. 10 minutes later, the EMT's were there. That's a different part of the story.
Since then, we moved across the country, away from the only state I had ever lived in. We both found jobs, and then Simon slipped and broke his pelvis and elbow, illuminating that his family's shared genetic disease of Osteogenesis Imperfecta was going to start playing a larger role in his life. To our relief, one of the best OI doctors in the country is here in Seattle, but is difficult to see. He had made an appointment in March, a week after his release from the hospital, but he was still too incapacitated to go, and couldn't get another appointment until January. My biggest "what if" is, "What if he had made it to his original appointment. Would he still be alive?" I suspect so.
While Simon was still on leave from work, I split ways with my employer, and was unemployed when my mom came to visit for Mother's Day. But I found a new job at PAWS in their marketing department - a perfect fit. I have since accepted a new position as their Event Coordinator, an even more perfect fit. I am so grateful for my job for so many, many reasons.
As Simon began to heal from his injuries, we got to start doing the things we loved in our new city again: Exploring the neighborhoods, eating out, hiking and camping. We drove up to Whister for a weekend, and had a great time being together and exploring the outdoors. It was challenging for us, because of Simon's chronic pain, which was hard for me to understand. But our relationship was so strong and our communication so open that when this became discordant, we always talked it out.
We are so in love. I'm hesitant to say we WERE so in love, because my love for him is as strong as ever, and I know he loved me so much that it almost transcends his death. That sounds silly, but that's OK for now.
Our last adventure was on the Queen of Seattle boat - tickets Simon bought from a Living Social deal. The first time we tried to take the boat, it was windy and rainy. They had canceled the trip for that day, but didn't tell any of the passengers. Simon and I sat huddled together in the rain in good spirits, waiting for the boat, even though we suspected it wasn't coming. Simon rescheduled our trip for the next weekend. Sunday, October 2, 2011. A day I will never, ever forget.
Simon woke up earlier than I did that morning, as usual. He took Nico outside, and then came back to bed. We snuggled for a while, and debated going out for breakfast. We had been eating a very strict diet which didn't really have room for eating breakfast out. But we decided it was worth it, and went to Wild Mountain Cafe - a cute little restaurant up the street. We both got coffee, even though Simon was not supposed to drink it. I had missed drinking coffee with him, and even though I sometimes reminded (scolded?) him for drinking it, I was still glad when we could share a cup together. He ordered the "Surefire Thing" - eggs scrambled with cheese and "green chiles", served with sour cream and salsa on the side. I got "Pipers Creek", eggs scrambled with lox and cream cheese. We both got fruit on the side instead of potatoes.
After breakfast, we got our grocery shopping done after planning our weekly menu over breakfast. We found that the best way to make the most of our weekly produce box was to plan out how we were going to use each ingredient, and make a menu of things we were going to make that week. One of the menu items was salmon with spicy green beans, and we were planning on going to the Asian grocery store Uwajimaya (sp) after the boat ride to get a special ingredient not found at our usual market.
We drove to the park at south Lake Union, where the Queen of Seattle docks. We were happy to see that it was actually there that week. We parked in the same lot we had parked in the week before and walked to the boat to stand in line. There were two people in costume to greet us, one man and one woman. We boarded the boat and walked up to the second level, and looked over Lake Union and the giant steam-operated paddle on the back of the boat. There, we ran in to a woman that I work with and exchanged pleasantries. Simon and I then walked to the other side of the boat because Simon wanted to see the Seattle skyline.
I complained that I had once again forgotten my sunglasses. Simon HATED being without his sunglasses, and was really good about keeping them with him, so he had his. He offered to give me his, but knowing that he hated to be without them, I told him, "But then YOU would be uncomfortable".
And he said, "I don't mind a little discomfort if it makes you happy."
I swooned. I wore his sunglasses for less than a minute, but felt bad, and gave them back. We continued our boat ride around Lake Union and up into Salmon Bay. We talked and hugged, held hands and took pictures. We were surprised that there was a calliope demonstration on the upper deck - it was hilarious. We both filmed it on our phones, but mine got the better recording.
As the boat was pulling up to shore, I leaned into Simon and told him I had a great time, and thank you for buying the tickets. I kissed him.
We got off the boat. 10 minutes later, the EMT's were there. That's a different part of the story.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 22
I skipped a day.
What do you do when everything is not going to be OK? What do you do when you know with 100% certainty that you will be sad everyday for the rest of your life? I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't want to have ever asked these questions.
I found an online forum for non-religious grief. At first, it was comforting. But the more I read it, the more I see people actively grieving two, three, forty years after their loss. And I see that future for me. I know that I will not have my happy ending. Simon and I had it all. I can't see things ever getting better.
My mom came into town yesterday. She immediately starting scheming and planning, trying to fix things, trying to pack things. The first thing she asked me was if I got Simon's Facebook straightened out. Then why he didn't fix the heat in his car. Then if she should cancel an appointment she found Simon had for his OI doctor in January. Then how the storage is being paid. Then what to pack of Simon's things to send to storage. She wants to pack up the whole house and be moved out this week. I. Can. Not. Do. That. I wish she could understand. She thinks that her action plan is all so simple - she just wants to take care of everything! Which is noble, and if it were any other situation, that would be fine. But it's this situation, and it's not fine.
How is this even my life?
I'm going to skip the daily menial updates for now. I don't have the energy for that now.
What do you do when everything is not going to be OK? What do you do when you know with 100% certainty that you will be sad everyday for the rest of your life? I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't want to have ever asked these questions.
I found an online forum for non-religious grief. At first, it was comforting. But the more I read it, the more I see people actively grieving two, three, forty years after their loss. And I see that future for me. I know that I will not have my happy ending. Simon and I had it all. I can't see things ever getting better.
My mom came into town yesterday. She immediately starting scheming and planning, trying to fix things, trying to pack things. The first thing she asked me was if I got Simon's Facebook straightened out. Then why he didn't fix the heat in his car. Then if she should cancel an appointment she found Simon had for his OI doctor in January. Then how the storage is being paid. Then what to pack of Simon's things to send to storage. She wants to pack up the whole house and be moved out this week. I. Can. Not. Do. That. I wish she could understand. She thinks that her action plan is all so simple - she just wants to take care of everything! Which is noble, and if it were any other situation, that would be fine. But it's this situation, and it's not fine.
How is this even my life?
I'm going to skip the daily menial updates for now. I don't have the energy for that now.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Sunday, November 20
Hello. It's been a few days.
On Friday, I went on a Harbor Seal release in the morning. I was sent to film, and ended up walking into knee-deep water to film the seal. It was fun. And cold. Then I took a nap at home and went out to Ocho with Jill, had a few drinks, and talked. It was nice.
The weekend. Oh, this weekend has been hard. My emotional state has changed from one in constant flux between sadness, anger, emptiness, sorrow, rage, distracted, tired to a constant state of extreme sadness. Unlike anything I've ever felt before. My chest aches, my head is heavy, my hands are weak. I miss Simon so much.
The cursor is flashing, asking me to type more, try helplessly to find words that mean something. Well tough shit, cursor. This is the best I've got. I tried listening to some of my favorite music until 3AM last night to see if anyone else had some better words. No dice. STOP FLASHING! I guess there still is some rage beneath the sadness.
It's not fair. What a pathetic, inadequate, and pedestrian thing to say. But it fucking isn't. We were perfect, we were supposed to be together forever. Simon ate well, exercised, didn't smoke, hardly drank, didn't do drugs. He was good, kind, considerate, compassionate, patient - god, so patient. Loving. Amazing. Mine. Now his family are all going to get tested to see if they have the same genetic condition that caused Simon's death. "What a relief you're all getting checked out!" Fucking bullshit. Simon didn't have the luxury... no, luxury isn't right. Simon DESERVED to know about this stupid disease and all the hell it would put him through, the risks he was living with. Now the rest of his family is allowed to protect themselves because he died. Fucking bullshit. Total fucking bullshit.
Perhaps that's unfair, too. Whatever.
What did I accomplish this weekend? All my laundry. Grocery shopping, menu planning. Made a big pot of soup. Met with Britney (formerly of BRC) for coffee. That was nice, I was glad to reconnect with her. I played some piano, re-familiarized myself with the three songs I know. Downloaded some new sheet music. Sat around a lot. DIDN'T go hiking. I'm going to check the weather after I finish writing this, and if it looks decent tomorrow, Nico and I might go walk around Carkeek after work. My ass is starting to hurt from all the sitting on it I've been doing. Ate an ice cream sandwich, mint.
To do tomorrow: My mom is coming back into town tomorrow, so I will be picking her up at the airport. Yay Mommy! I need to run the dishwasher and take down all the garbage and compost, it's kind of out of control. Back to work tomorrow, too. I guess I'm free to say that I got a "promotion" to Events Coordinator, along with a significant raise. Yay money! Because of that, I told Sharon that I want to move into her guest house. Yay guest house! Um, I guess that's all I have to do tomorrow. Sometime this week I would like to find a dentist - my teeth are going to fall out of my face if I don't get to one soon.
On Friday, I went on a Harbor Seal release in the morning. I was sent to film, and ended up walking into knee-deep water to film the seal. It was fun. And cold. Then I took a nap at home and went out to Ocho with Jill, had a few drinks, and talked. It was nice.
View from the ferry on the way to the release site.
The weekend. Oh, this weekend has been hard. My emotional state has changed from one in constant flux between sadness, anger, emptiness, sorrow, rage, distracted, tired to a constant state of extreme sadness. Unlike anything I've ever felt before. My chest aches, my head is heavy, my hands are weak. I miss Simon so much.The cursor is flashing, asking me to type more, try helplessly to find words that mean something. Well tough shit, cursor. This is the best I've got. I tried listening to some of my favorite music until 3AM last night to see if anyone else had some better words. No dice. STOP FLASHING! I guess there still is some rage beneath the sadness.
It's not fair. What a pathetic, inadequate, and pedestrian thing to say. But it fucking isn't. We were perfect, we were supposed to be together forever. Simon ate well, exercised, didn't smoke, hardly drank, didn't do drugs. He was good, kind, considerate, compassionate, patient - god, so patient. Loving. Amazing. Mine. Now his family are all going to get tested to see if they have the same genetic condition that caused Simon's death. "What a relief you're all getting checked out!" Fucking bullshit. Simon didn't have the luxury... no, luxury isn't right. Simon DESERVED to know about this stupid disease and all the hell it would put him through, the risks he was living with. Now the rest of his family is allowed to protect themselves because he died. Fucking bullshit. Total fucking bullshit.
Perhaps that's unfair, too. Whatever.
Nico and I went to the locks on Saturday.
They had drained the large one for maintenance.
They had drained the large one for maintenance.
What did I accomplish this weekend? All my laundry. Grocery shopping, menu planning. Made a big pot of soup. Met with Britney (formerly of BRC) for coffee. That was nice, I was glad to reconnect with her. I played some piano, re-familiarized myself with the three songs I know. Downloaded some new sheet music. Sat around a lot. DIDN'T go hiking. I'm going to check the weather after I finish writing this, and if it looks decent tomorrow, Nico and I might go walk around Carkeek after work. My ass is starting to hurt from all the sitting on it I've been doing. Ate an ice cream sandwich, mint.
The wall of the empty lock.
To do tomorrow: My mom is coming back into town tomorrow, so I will be picking her up at the airport. Yay Mommy! I need to run the dishwasher and take down all the garbage and compost, it's kind of out of control. Back to work tomorrow, too. I guess I'm free to say that I got a "promotion" to Events Coordinator, along with a significant raise. Yay money! Because of that, I told Sharon that I want to move into her guest house. Yay guest house! Um, I guess that's all I have to do tomorrow. Sometime this week I would like to find a dentist - my teeth are going to fall out of my face if I don't get to one soon.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Thursday, November 17
Today was a day that will eventually make future days easier. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess what I mean to say is that good things happened today. These good things didn't elicit the response that good things used to, but hopefully future Whitney (whoever that is) will have it a little easier because of the results of today. I guess that still doesn't make any sense.
Things I did today: Went to work and had a headache all morning. Boo. Filmed some cats to get ready for our black Friday special next week. That was good, but I had a setting on the camera that made all the footage underexposed. It will require some serious fiddling to fix. Then, big news. After work I met with nurse Sami in Capitol Hill (after infuriating traffic). We had a nice time. She's nice. I hope to see her again. I tried my hardest not to be too depressing and talk about myself the whole time. Hmm.
To do tomorrow: Seal release. It's going to be so damn cold. Nap. Drinks with Jill, Matt and Ben? I need to go get some waterproof shoes at Fred Meyer - they are having a sale. I don't want to miss it. I heard about it on the radio. Who am I?
I miss Simon. I have so much to tell him. I read somewhere that after loss, people will sometimes experience a loss in their faith, to which I said, "No problem, not applicable". But, I am feeling less certain about my world view - which doesn't have room for afterlife, spirits, some metaphysical idea of "souls". But I SO DESPERATELY WANT some part of Simon to be with me, I find myself questioning my beliefs and hoping that I've been wrong all this time, and that Simon's floaty spirit with magical angel wings will follow me around and guide me. I so want him to be with me. Could I have been wrong about everything? Who am I if not my convictions and values?
Things I did today: Went to work and had a headache all morning. Boo. Filmed some cats to get ready for our black Friday special next week. That was good, but I had a setting on the camera that made all the footage underexposed. It will require some serious fiddling to fix. Then, big news. After work I met with nurse Sami in Capitol Hill (after infuriating traffic). We had a nice time. She's nice. I hope to see her again. I tried my hardest not to be too depressing and talk about myself the whole time. Hmm.
Our piano. My piano. Our piano.
To do tomorrow: Seal release. It's going to be so damn cold. Nap. Drinks with Jill, Matt and Ben? I need to go get some waterproof shoes at Fred Meyer - they are having a sale. I don't want to miss it. I heard about it on the radio. Who am I?I miss Simon. I have so much to tell him. I read somewhere that after loss, people will sometimes experience a loss in their faith, to which I said, "No problem, not applicable". But, I am feeling less certain about my world view - which doesn't have room for afterlife, spirits, some metaphysical idea of "souls". But I SO DESPERATELY WANT some part of Simon to be with me, I find myself questioning my beliefs and hoping that I've been wrong all this time, and that Simon's floaty spirit with magical angel wings will follow me around and guide me. I so want him to be with me. Could I have been wrong about everything? Who am I if not my convictions and values?
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