Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Tuesday, November 22

I skipped a day.

What do you do when everything is not going to be OK? What do you do when you know with 100% certainty that you will be sad everyday for the rest of your life? I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't want to have ever asked these questions.

I found an online forum for non-religious grief. At first, it was comforting. But the more I read it, the more I see people actively grieving two, three, forty years after their loss. And I see that future for me. I know that I will not have my happy ending. Simon and I had it all. I can't see things ever getting better.

My mom came into town yesterday. She immediately starting scheming and planning, trying to fix things, trying to pack things. The first thing she asked me was if I got Simon's Facebook straightened out. Then why he didn't fix the heat in his car. Then if she should cancel an appointment she found Simon had for his OI doctor in January. Then how the storage is being paid. Then what to pack of Simon's things to send to storage. She wants to pack up the whole house and be moved out this week. I. Can. Not. Do. That. I wish she could understand. She thinks that her action plan is all so simple - she just wants to take care of everything! Which is noble, and if it were any other situation, that would be fine. But it's this situation, and it's not fine.

How is this even my life?

I'm going to skip the daily menial updates for now. I don't have the energy for that now.

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