Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sunday, November 20

Hello. It's been a few days.

On Friday, I went on a Harbor Seal release in the morning. I was sent to film, and ended up walking into knee-deep water to film the seal. It was fun. And cold. Then I took a nap at home and went out to Ocho with Jill, had a few drinks, and talked. It was nice.

View from the ferry on the way to the release site.
The weekend. Oh, this weekend has been hard. My emotional state has changed from one in constant flux between sadness, anger, emptiness, sorrow, rage, distracted, tired to a constant state of extreme sadness. Unlike anything I've ever felt before. My chest aches, my head is heavy, my hands are weak. I miss Simon so much.

The cursor is flashing, asking me to type more, try helplessly to find words that mean something. Well tough shit, cursor. This is the best I've got. I tried listening to some of my favorite music until 3AM last night to see if anyone else had some better words. No dice. STOP FLASHING! I guess there still is some rage beneath the sadness.

It's not fair. What a pathetic, inadequate, and pedestrian thing to say. But it fucking isn't. We were perfect, we were supposed to be together forever. Simon ate well, exercised, didn't smoke, hardly drank, didn't do drugs. He was good, kind, considerate, compassionate, patient - god, so patient. Loving. Amazing. Mine. Now his family are all going to get tested to see if they have the same genetic condition that caused Simon's death. "What a relief you're all getting checked out!" Fucking bullshit. Simon didn't have the luxury... no, luxury isn't right. Simon DESERVED to know about this stupid disease and all the hell it would put him through, the risks he was living with. Now the rest of his family is allowed to protect themselves because he died. Fucking bullshit. Total fucking bullshit.

Perhaps that's unfair, too. Whatever.

Nico and I went to the locks on Saturday.
They had drained the large one for maintenance.

What did I accomplish this weekend? All my laundry. Grocery shopping, menu planning. Made a big pot of soup. Met with Britney (formerly of BRC) for coffee. That was nice, I was glad to reconnect with her. I played some piano, re-familiarized myself with the three songs I know. Downloaded some new sheet music. Sat around a lot. DIDN'T go hiking. I'm going to check the weather after I finish writing this, and if it looks decent tomorrow, Nico and I might go walk around Carkeek after work. My ass is starting to hurt from all the sitting on it I've been doing. Ate an ice cream sandwich, mint.

The wall of the empty lock.

To do tomorrow: My mom is coming back into town tomorrow, so I will be picking her up at the airport. Yay Mommy! I need to run the dishwasher and take down all the garbage and compost, it's kind of out of control. Back to work tomorrow, too. I guess I'm free to say that I got a "promotion" to Events Coordinator, along with a significant raise. Yay money! Because of that, I told Sharon that I want to move into her guest house. Yay guest house! Um, I guess that's all I have to do tomorrow. Sometime this week I would like to find a dentist - my teeth are going to fall out of my face if I don't get to one soon.

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